Midday Snarks June 6th, 2016

Red Lanyard back with another installment of cynicism and wit for the genre news from last week. Remember, it’s all in fun! Except for when I talk about Ubisoft. For real, they’re the worst.

  • Brie Larson is rumored to be the front runner for Marvel’s Carol Danvers, AKA Captain Marvel. Joining her former cast mate Chris Evans from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, Ms. Larson leaves fans wondering when the trifecta will be completed and we get some Michael Cera action in the MCU. Hello, painfully-awkward Sam Alexander.
  • In DCCU news, The Flash project (no, not the enjoyable tv series that has fun; the dark and gritty movie with Ezra Miller) has a new director, Rick Famuyiwa, the director of the phenomenal and criminally underrated DOPE from last year. Fan uncertainty increases as WB hires a director whose greatest film credit is a movie glorifying 90s culture to helm a comic book project. Henry Cavill already in talks to work “growing a mullet” into his film contract.
  • X-Men: Apocalypse releases to mediocre reviews and reception by audiences and critics alike; comic book fans remark concern over the actual Apocalypse character being nowhere in the movie, apparently replaced by the tallest member of the Blue Man Group.
  • Actress Rose McGowan berates Fox for their billboard ad for X-Men Apocalypse showing Apocalypse strangling Jennifer Lawrence’s character Mystique. McGowan argued that the ad promotes casual violence against women, simultaneously failing to identify Lawrence’s character as anything other than a gender-bound damsel character and somehow interpreting two blue people fighting in a wasteland as “casual.”
  • In the midst of the above controversy, Rose McGowan’s primary film credits include Planet Terror, a Grindhouse feature by Robert Rodriguez. Irony apparently lost on everybody.
  • DC: Rebirth titles hit shelves this last week, once again displaying the company’s willingness to push the envelope about just how many times an entire universe can be rebooted in a decade.
  • Nintendo announces plans for E3, plans which primarily revolve around live-streaming footage of the new Legend of Zelda game and Pokemon Sun and Moon. Responding to fans utter ecstasy, President of Nintendo of America Reggie Fils-Aime remarks, “It’s like that’s what they wanted the whole time!” Fans almost riot.
  • Assassin’s Creed fans excited about the movie’s premiere. “I can’t wait for the cool visual effects they’ll be using,” said one impossibly enthusiastic fan. “If it’s anything like the games at launch, how are they gonna make it look like Fassbender is glitching through the floor making the entire movie crash?”
  • Moviegoers watching the Assassin’s Creed film will gain user credit for their UPlay accounts. Ubisoft still refuses to say what the hell a UPlay account actually is or what the points thereof actually do.
  • Ubisoft is going for the most accurate representation of an Assassin’s Creed game possible. Thus, in true Ubisoft fashion, moviegoers will have the film stall at random points and will be asked to login to their UPlay accounts at least 7 times before the movie is over.
  • Console gamers excited about E3 this year. “I can’t wait to see all the pre-rendered trailers and experience all the graphics that the console won’t actually be able to handle!” said one Microsoft fan.
  • Telltale’s new Batman game set to premiere at E3. Telltale expected to also announce about 873 other IP’s they have purchased gaming rights to.
  • Black Panther #3 to be delayed a couple of weeks; Ta-Nehisi Coates apologizes for delay as if fans who waited decades for the character to appear on film can’t wait 14 days for another wonderful issue.
  • Captain America revealed to be Hydra; literally everyone who has ever lived ever loses ability to deal.

Midday Snarks

If you like cynical, sarcastic comedy with humble insights into genre stuff, here are some Midday Snarks for a nice afternoon snack. Like Vance’s Speeding Bullets, but less mature and much more exaggerated. Sometimes.

  • According to reports, the new Assassin’s Creed movie is going to be two-thirds set in modern day and only one-third set in the Spanish Inquisition. When all thought it was impossible, Ubisoft has somehow discovered a way to take the only part of Assassin’s Creed games that no one has cared about for years and still make a cash-grab out of it.
  • X-Men: Apocalypse comes out this weekend. Hopefully it will answer everyone’s burning questions, like what happened to Wolverine at the end of DoFP? Why is Magneto going against everything in his character to be a Horseman? Why is Mystique even in this movie, and why the hell does she constantly look like Jennifer Lawrence?
  • In an interview that surfaced a few weeks ago, Henry Cavill was asked about critics’ rather—ahem—averse reviews of Batman vs. Superman. Cavill responded that what really matters is the audience’s reaction. Well, Mr. Kent, the fans have spoken, and it turns out you don’t really have any.
  • Disney released a teaser trailer for Beauty and the Beast, and it was phenomenally done. Disney also proved that once again it is apparently the only movie-making company that knows how to release an actual teaser trailer and not a show-the-whole-damn-plot-in-under-three-minutes trailer. Kudos.
  • Back to Assassin’s Creed, Ubisoft has announced that in true Ubisoft fashion, movie-goers will only get the whole film experience if they pre-order the feature and pay an additional $40 for a replica of the iconic pen that you may or may not notice Michael Fassbender using in the movie.
  • News reports say that the rumored Tetris feature film is real, and it will have a sci-fi thriller tone to it. I don’t even have a joke for this one. Are you ******** kidding me?
  • Marvel has announced that the vast majority of the cast in the future Black Panther movie will be African or African-American (because in today’s society, that actually warrants an announcement rather than a common-sense conclusion). Small population of Marvel fans simultaneously outraged about the politically correct agenda while arguing that they are somehow not racist.
  • Uncharted 4 is released and is greeted by a host of 10/10 scores from critics and reviewers. Naughty Dog still refuses to reboot Crash Bandicoot. Playstation fans still drowning in tears. Naughty Dog still not caring.
  • Nintendo announces that they are officially looking to branch out into feature films with their video game properties! Reports claim that the Legend of Zelda franchise is apparently not on the table. In similar news, man dying of thirst breaks into water bottling facility and drinks out of the toilet.
  • Star Wars Battlefront sequel is rumored to appear at this year’s E3. Jaded Star Wars fan asks, “Is it the second half of the first game that they forgot to make?”
  • Fox comic book adaptation “Lucifer” continues to be protested by conservative Christian moms of America. AMC’s “Preacher” show previewed this past Sunday and has yet to receive any protest from similar groups. This goes to confirm the longstanding truth that, much like Zack Snyder, most moms just do not know their source material.
  • In directly related news, tons of children receive the new DOOM game from their parents despite M-rating and graphic violence, leading “Lucifer” executives completely dumbfounded.
  • The new Call of Duty game, CoD: Infinite Warfare, really leaves Treyarch in a rough place as far as names for successive CoD titles. They do currently have a leg up on EA, however, seeing as how the new Call of Duty will have more space combat than Star Wars Battlefront.