Midday Snarks June 6th, 2016

Red Lanyard back with another installment of cynicism and wit for the genre news from last week. Remember, it’s all in fun! Except for when I talk about Ubisoft. For real, they’re the worst.

  • Brie Larson is rumored to be the front runner for Marvel’s Carol Danvers, AKA Captain Marvel. Joining her former cast mate Chris Evans from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, Ms. Larson leaves fans wondering when the trifecta will be completed and we get some Michael Cera action in the MCU. Hello, painfully-awkward Sam Alexander.
  • In DCCU news, The Flash project (no, not the enjoyable tv series that has fun; the dark and gritty movie with Ezra Miller) has a new director, Rick Famuyiwa, the director of the phenomenal and criminally underrated DOPE from last year. Fan uncertainty┬áincreases as WB hires a director whose greatest film credit is a movie glorifying 90s culture to helm a comic book project. Henry Cavill already in talks to work “growing a mullet” into his film contract.
  • X-Men: Apocalypse releases to mediocre reviews and reception by audiences and critics alike; comic book fans remark concern over the actual Apocalypse character being nowhere in the movie, apparently replaced by the tallest member of the Blue Man Group.
  • Actress Rose McGowan berates Fox for their billboard ad for X-Men Apocalypse showing Apocalypse strangling Jennifer Lawrence’s character Mystique. McGowan argued that the ad promotes casual violence against women, simultaneously failing to identify Lawrence’s character as anything other than a gender-bound damsel character and somehow interpreting two blue people fighting in a wasteland as “casual.”
  • In the midst of the above controversy, Rose McGowan’s primary film credits include Planet Terror, a Grindhouse feature by Robert Rodriguez. Irony apparently lost on everybody.
  • DC: Rebirth titles hit shelves this last week, once again displaying the company’s willingness to push the envelope about just how many times an entire universe can be rebooted in a decade.
  • Nintendo announces plans for E3, plans which primarily revolve around live-streaming footage of the new Legend of Zelda game and Pokemon Sun and Moon. Responding to fans utter ecstasy, President of Nintendo of America Reggie Fils-Aime remarks, “It’s like that’s what they wanted the whole time!” Fans almost riot.
  • Assassin’s Creed fans excited about the movie’s premiere. “I can’t wait for the cool visual effects they’ll be using,” said one impossibly enthusiastic fan. “If it’s anything like the games at launch, how are they gonna make it look like Fassbender is glitching through the floor making the entire movie crash?”
  • Moviegoers watching the Assassin’s Creed film will gain user credit for their UPlay accounts. Ubisoft still refuses to say what the hell a UPlay account actually is or what the points thereof actually do.
  • Ubisoft is going for the most accurate representation of an Assassin’s Creed game possible. Thus, in true Ubisoft fashion, moviegoers will have the film stall at random points and will be asked to login to their UPlay accounts at least 7 times before the movie is over.
  • Console gamers excited about E3 this year. “I can’t wait to see all the pre-rendered trailers and experience all the graphics that the console won’t actually be able to handle!” said one Microsoft fan.
  • Telltale’s new Batman game set to premiere at E3. Telltale expected to also announce about 873 other IP’s they have purchased gaming rights to.
  • Black Panther #3 to be delayed a couple of weeks; Ta-Nehisi Coates apologizes for delay as if fans who waited decades for the character to appear on film can’t wait 14 days for another wonderful issue.
  • Captain America revealed to be Hydra; literally everyone who has ever lived ever loses ability to deal.

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