Midday Snarks

If you like cynical, sarcastic comedy with humble insights into genre stuff, here are some Midday Snarks for a nice afternoon snack. Like Vance’s Speeding Bullets, but less mature and much more exaggerated. Sometimes.

  • According to reports, the new Assassin’s Creed movie is going to be two-thirds set in modern day and only one-third set in the Spanish Inquisition. When all thought it was impossible, Ubisoft has somehow discovered a way to take the only part of Assassin’s Creed games that no one has cared about for years and still make a cash-grab out of it.
  • X-Men: Apocalypse comes out this weekend. Hopefully it will answer everyone’s burning questions, like what happened to Wolverine at the end of DoFP? Why is Magneto going against everything in his character to be a Horseman? Why is Mystique even in this movie, and why the hell does she constantly look like Jennifer Lawrence?
  • In an interview that surfaced a few weeks ago, Henry Cavill was asked about critics’ rather—ahem—averse reviews of Batman vs. Superman. Cavill responded that what really matters is the audience’s reaction. Well, Mr. Kent, the fans have spoken, and it turns out you don’t really have any.
  • Disney released a teaser trailer for Beauty and the Beast, and it was phenomenally done. Disney also proved that once again it is apparently the only movie-making company that knows how to release an actual teaser trailer and not a show-the-whole-damn-plot-in-under-three-minutes trailer. Kudos.
  • Back to Assassin’s Creed, Ubisoft has announced that in true Ubisoft fashion, movie-goers will only get the whole film experience if they pre-order the feature and pay an additional $40 for a replica of the iconic pen that you may or may not notice Michael Fassbender using in the movie.
  • News reports say that the rumored Tetris feature film is real, and it will have a sci-fi thriller tone to it. I don’t even have a joke for this one. Are you ******** kidding me?
  • Marvel has announced that the vast majority of the cast in the future Black Panther movie will be African or African-American (because in today’s society, that actually warrants an announcement rather than a common-sense conclusion). Small population of Marvel fans simultaneously outraged about the politically correct agenda while arguing that they are somehow not racist.
  • Uncharted 4 is released and is greeted by a host of 10/10 scores from critics and reviewers. Naughty Dog still refuses to reboot Crash Bandicoot. Playstation fans still drowning in tears. Naughty Dog still not caring.
  • Nintendo announces that they are officially looking to branch out into feature films with their video game properties! Reports claim that the Legend of Zelda franchise is apparently not on the table. In similar news, man dying of thirst breaks into water bottling facility and drinks out of the toilet.
  • Star Wars Battlefront sequel is rumored to appear at this year’s E3. Jaded Star Wars fan asks, “Is it the second half of the first game that they forgot to make?”
  • Fox comic book adaptation “Lucifer” continues to be protested by conservative Christian moms of America. AMC’s “Preacher” show previewed this past Sunday and has yet to receive any protest from similar groups. This goes to confirm the longstanding truth that, much like Zack Snyder, most moms just do not know their source material.
  • In directly related news, tons of children receive the new DOOM game from their parents despite M-rating and graphic violence, leading “Lucifer” executives completely dumbfounded.
  • The new Call of Duty game, CoD: Infinite Warfare, really leaves Treyarch in a rough place as far as names for successive CoD titles. They do currently have a leg up on EA, however, seeing as how the new Call of Duty will have more space combat than Star Wars Battlefront.

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