With The Rise Of Skywalker on the way in December I decided to do retrospectives on each of the films. I am going in the order of the story which means we’re continuing on with Attack Of The Clones. The film came out in 2002 and I would’ve been around 8 that year. I remember actually being allowed to go see this one in theaters which means that this was my first Star Wars experience in the theater. I won’t lie to you, I don’t remember much besides the reaction to Yoda. But now we can watch it together and relive the memories of what many consider to be the worst Star Wars film. I don’t know if I would go that far…but it’s not great.
First off, I hope that your biggest issue with The Phantom Menace wasn’t the space politics cause it’s only gonna get worse from here. I actually never minded the political side of the films but in this one it’s pretty much all over the film. The senate is voting for if there should be a Grand Army of the Republic following the different systems splitting off and seceding from the republic to form the separatists movement. Count Dooku is leading the separatists and wants the trade federation to align with them but Nute Gunray(Best last name ever) won’t align with him until Padme is dead. I don’t really know why this was more of a prerequisite instead of a means to that end but hey, supposedly this script was written in less than a month so obviously it’s going to have things like that.
Anyway, Anakin and Obi-Wan return to Coruscant just in time for them to charged with protecting Padme. Obi-Wan’s like : “Yup, on it.” and Anakin’s Basically like : “AHHH I LOVE YOU! I’LL FIND WHOEVER EVEN DARED TO THINK OF HURTING YOU AND I’LL DESTROY THEIR ENTIRE BLOODLINE!” and Obi-Wan basically just tells him to dial it back a bit. Now, I feel like I need to clarify something real quick. Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman are all fantastic actors and they should be commended for their abilities in this film. No one could’ve done any better with this very odd script or the lack of guidance from the director. I would actually say that Ewan McGregor/Obi-Wan doesn’t look half bad by the end of this film…Hayden and Natalie on the other hand don’t come out quite as unscathed.
So they’re protecting Padme’s apartment and the bounty hunters try to kill her with these space slugs that a droid uses. This is weird because I don’t know why they don’t just snipe her but hey, the explosion in the beginning didn’t work so I guess it makes sense to try something different. Either way, this starts off what is probably my favorite scene in the film. The chase is very well done, we get to see more of Coruscant, it has some humorous moments and also this is one of the few times where Obi-Wan and Anakin seem to have a genuinely good relationship. I can’t stress this enough and I know I’m repeating myself : If your end result is mustafar then I need to believe these men are brothers. Not from books and not from the shows but from the film itself. Anakin complains about Obi-Wan literally the entire film and this sequence is really the only time that you get to see them actually enjoying themselves. I understand that they’re Jedi and they have a job to do but you never doubted Luke and Han’s friendship, did you?
Anyway, Zam Wessel gets killed outside of the club while Anakin and Obi-Wan are questioning her and here’s where things heat up to ultimately go nowhere. We have Obi-Wan leading up the investigation into who’s trying to kill Padme and then Anakin is escorting Padme back to Naboo to protect her while this vote continues on. Before Padme leaves, she names Jar Jar as her representative in the senate. Now, once again, I don’t hate Jar Jar…but this is just a stupid move and it goes how you expect it to go. Anakin and Padme go back to Naboo and they have a bunch of awkward interactions that are forcing the romance on us so hard. Let’s follow the Chain of Events below :
- Go back to Naboo and enjoy a gondola ride on the lake. They kiss.
- They have a picnic in a field with beautiful waterfall in the distance.
- They literally roll around through the fields together.
- They have Dinner.
- Following dinner, they have a discussion about why they can’t be together while next to a fireplace.
That’s the extent of their romance is discussing politics and where they grew up while beautiful stay in the background. There’s no tension, no stakes, no nuance of any kind. Now, I understand that I’m being harsh on these segments but once again, you don’t have this issue with Han and Leia in Empire.
Following this Anakin goes to Tatooine to look for his mother, who he keeps having Nightmares about. I actually really enjoy these scenes because this is a much better reasoning for Anakin to turn, in my opinion. The Tatooine segments involve Anakin meeting the Lars Family, which is now his extended family by marriage, and hearing about how tusken raiders took his mother. Anakin decides to go after and it’s actually a really cool scene, Anakin and Padme’s shadows on the side of the house while Anakin’s vaguely turns into Darth Vader’s is a great moment. Then we get to Duel of The Fates again while we see Anakin hunt these people down. He finds them and his mother and they have a very touching scene and here’s where we see the abilities of Hayden Christensen and the failings of directing because after this scene, it all goes downhill in the next one. After his mother dies in his arms, he kills all of the tusken raiders and I love that shot of him cutting one down while the screen shakes a bit. It conveys power in his swing and it’s something that you don’t see a lot in this film. Everything seems very weightless and I love that you get to see the opposite of that in this one scene which is a pivotal moment in Anakin’s life.
When Anakin returns, he goes to the garage and begins looking for things to fix. This scene is the one where it goes downhill, you have a few lines where Christensen does a great job such as “Why did she have to die?” It’s quick, but very poignant in it’s delivery. Where this scene fails is when He randomly starts blaming Obi-Wan. See? This is why they shouldn’t be separated. You’re creating dissension by telling us without ever showing us why it’s there. When he says “It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault, he’s holding me back!” We, as viewers have seen none of the reasons as to why he feels this way. Also, I just have to say that Padme’s has probably one of the worst lines in the history of cinema in this scene…but we’ll get to that in a bit…
While all of this is going on, we get to see Obi-Wan on his investigation. It’s definitely the high point of the film because Ewan McGregor is the best. He just is. The biggest issue with this half of the film is that it ultimately serves no purpose and doesn’t really get resolved. Obi-Wan is trying to find out the origins of the dart that killed Zam so he goes to his friend’s Diner and asks him and apparently Dexster Jettster knows all cause he knows exactly where it’s from and who these people are. It’s weird, it just is but I like the idea of Obi-Wan being like a classical detective and having old connections outside of the Jedi order. He discovers that the Planet he’s looking for was deleted from the Jedi archives which means that someone within the Jedi order did it.
He goes to Kamino and discovers that they’ve been building a Clone Army for the Republic under the orders of a Jedi Master who was killed 10 years ago. He also discovers that Jango Fett was the original host for the clones. His only request besides his pay was an unaltered clone who would one day be Boba Fett. It’s never really explained why he wanted Boba as a son but hey, we had to get him in here somehow I guess. I mean, sure. I love Boba but did we really need to see him as a child here? Anyway, when Obi-Wan meets Jango and Boba, it’s a really tense scene and while Temuera Morrison is great in the role, his first line doesn’t make any sense at all to answer what Obi-Wan says :
Obi-Wan : “Your clones are very impressive, you must be very proud.”
Jango : “I’m just a simple man trying to make my way in the galaxy.”
It just feels so weird and it doesn’t really make any sense. It ultimately leads to Obi-Wan reporting back to the Jedi order and they ask him to bring Jango in for questioning. Obi-Wan goes to apprehend him and they have a fight scene that is good, not great. Neither one really seems that impressive but this leads to a great chase sequence when Obi-Wan follows his ship into the asteroid belt in front of Kamino. It’s a really great scene and I love that it’s just a single fight instead of an epic battle. Obi-Wan finally escapes them and follows them down to the planet.
When he’s there he discovers that the separatists are becoming even stronger than they thought and that Count Dooku is indeed behind everything, including the assassination attempts on Padme. He contacts Anakin and tells him to transmit his message about the Separatists to the Jedi Council. Anakin sees that message following the death of his Mother and then he and Padme make the decision to go save Obi-Wan on Geonosis.
It’s at this point that I’d like to discuss how stupid the rest of the jedi are. Yes, including Yoda. Why does it not raise any red flags to the Jedi that they’re just being given this Clone Army? Like, they basically take them without even looking into the programming at all. I’m actually hoping that one of them went through the first 65 orders and was like : “Well, that’s good enough.” But let’s not forget that none of them want to believe that Dooku is behind everything, including my boy Ki-Adi Mundi!, and when Yoda feels Anakin’s pain following the slaughter of the Tusken Raiders he never mentions it again. You would think they would want to keep a better eye on the “Chosen One” but I guess not.
When we get back to Obi-Wan, he’s been captured and is met by Dooku. Dooku reveals to him that Darth Sidious has taken control of the senate. He tries to recruit Obi-Wan to no avail. I love Dooku in this film. Christopher Lee does a great job as he always does and Dooku doesn’t really have any cheesy lines that he has to worry about.
Then, Jar Jar gives Emergency Powers to Chancellor Palpatine because of course he does. Everyone is just like : “Oh Sure, sounds great. Wait, if you’re going to create an army now then how did you already have the clo…oh nevermind! Yay Palpatine!”
The Finale of this film has some pretty awesome moments. I know Everyone was excited to see multiple Jedi on screen together and so was I. Even the opening part with the execution was fun to watch and the CGI on the Creatures has aged pretty well. The 2nd part of the battle with all of the Jedi is pretty great. We get to see some fun scenes with some fan favorites(like Kit Fisto!) plus we finally see Mace Windu as the warrior everyone says he is. He honestly destroys Jango and it’s not even fair. Then Yoda shows up with the clones and the battle really gets going. I have a Love/Hate relationship with the fact that the Jedi are such great generals and yet, they’re not supposed to glorify war. Neither me, Nor George Lucas could really decide in this sequence. But hey, let’s see more Lightsabers! The clones basically destroy the droids.
Dooku attempts to escape and Obi-Wan and Anakin chase after him and attempt to capture him. Here’s where this gets weird though cause Count Dooku is majorly OP. He uses force Lightning and just sends Anakin flying, I like that part cause Anakin rushes in without listening to Obi-Wan and it’s a moment where Anakin’s rash judgement actually makes sense. Obi-Wan goes in slower and is able to hold his own for a bit until Dooku injures him. Anakin comes to and this is my favorite part of the fight. There’s a moment where they knock out the lights in the hanger and all you see is the glow of the lightsabers and the effects on it are pretty awesome. The fight with Anakin does have the worst ending though cause the little spin move that Dooku does to cut off his arm is horrendous. The choreography is so off and it’s clear that Hayden Christensen is sticking his arm out for him.
And now we’ve come to it, Yoda’s fight scene. It’s taken me a long time to admit this but I honestly would’ve preferred Yoda without a lightsaber throughout the entire series. I like him as this ultra powerful force wielder who chooses to not pick up a weapon. Now, I understand : “But making your saber is a jedi rite of passage.” I get that, I do. But since we’re going for space monks with a lot of confusing eastern philosophies thrown in then why can’t we keep the “The Force is my ally, and a powerful ally it is.” Idea for Yoda throughout the series? I know it’s just me nitpicking at this point but the more I watch the prequels, the more I hate their decisions for Yoda. But hey, them’s the breaks.
Anyway, no one asks Palpatine about the army. The separatists all run and hide and Anakin and Padme go get married in secret. Yay!
Top 5 Awkward Lines
This script is all over the place. I recently discovered that the final draft was written days into shooting. That’s most likely why the following 5 lines happened to be so weird and awkward.
5. “Just a simple man…”
Like I said, it’s just weird because it doesn’t fit with what Obi-Wan said at all.
4. “Much too frightened to tease a Senator”
Basically this entire scene is awkward. Anakin literally proposes a fascist government and then Padme is super into it after he basically says “JK” It’s such a weird scene.
3. “We live in a real world, come back to it. You’re studying to become a Jedi, I’m a senator.”
Then! They decide to double down on it! Anakin is Literally begging her and her response is that they’d never work cause he’s a Jedi and she’s a senator. She doesn’t say it like their worlds are apart, she says it like she can’t find love because she’s a senator. Plus, The Real World? Really? The force and all of the aliens and we’re going to focus on Anakin creating fantasies in his head. I get that it’s real to them but it’s just lazy writing.
2. “Dellow Felegates”
Turn the captions on. Watch the scene where Jar Jar gives the Chancellor Emergency Powers. Just do it. I promise you this line is in there. For some reason.
1. “To Be Angry Is To Be Human.”
I swear, everyone who gives Hayden Christensen crap for this movie needs to rewatch it and focus on Natalie Portman. This poor thing is 8 years away from a Oscar Nomination when this movie comes out and there’s a point where George Lucas has the love of her life say “They’re animals and I slaughtered them like animals.” And her only response is “To be angry is to be Human.” WHAT!?!?!
It doesn’t make any sense at all. This man killed an entire tribe of People and that’s your response? I mean, I get that you love him and look, I don’t entirely blame Anakin anyway but still. I mean, after all, this is the real world.
